How to Forgive
Author: John Monbourquette
Novalis, 2000, 198 p.p.

Filled with illustrative stories, insightful quotations and clever exercises used to advantage in his private psychotherapy practice, Monbourquette states at the outset that the term “forgiveness” is much misunderstood. It is, essentially, freeing ourselves from the toxic residue of offenses suffered. Monbourquette clarifies that in no way does forgiveness necessarily mean a reunion with the offending party, nor does it mean excusing harmful behavior. It does mean self-examination and perhaps some changed behavior on our part. For example, if someone is repeatedly late when we travel to a lecture together, I can decide to meet at the event rather than continue to feel resentful of the delay. The book counsels that it is my responsibility to set effective boundaries for myself. Sometimes, though, it is more complicated than that. It may not be one other person we know or love
who has hurt us but a complete stranger or a powerful institution or religion, or an idea, or a way of life we’ve come to realize is fraudulent.

The book delves deeper into the most important forgiveness: of ourselves.

Monbourquette points out that if we cannot let go of and forgive who we once were, we cannot evolve into more mature people.

How To Forgive begins by unmasking false notions about forgiveness – for example, the author reassures that forgiveness does not mean excusing the offender nor does it mean giving up our rights. Legal prosecution of a criminal act can and should still take place even as we forgive. It is neither forgetting nor denial - either of these would be unwise and unwittingly give silent permission for the offender to do it again. Respectful confrontation is an important adult skill, one to be cultivated and honed. However lofty we flatter ourselves to be, it is wise to remember we’re human like anyone else and equally sagacious to deal with our resentments – regularly – lest our unresolved anger, which we overruled by a false sense of moral superiority, gets horribly projected onto an unsuspecting other, or equally as bad, implodes within. There is an old saying: “An expectation is a pre-meditated resentment.” Monbourquette helps the reader look behind disappointment and, while much less so than in his book How to Befriend Your Shadow, he also discusses the Jungian approach to discovering the hidden messages that lie just beneath the pain.

But what about that over which we have no control? How to forgive the drunk driver who kills your child? Or the doctor whose misdiagnosis of your partner causes untold grief? Or the blood bank that passes on diseased blood that is a death sentence? Or political leaders whose refusal to negotiate peace means that your son becomes cannon fodder? These are extremely delicate, chilling challenges that Monbourquette dares to address through the 12 Steps to Forgiveness, each one, though, exigent of unspeakable fortitude. This is not a book for children or for those who like to snuggle up in the victim position. Practicing the steps in How to Forgive requires the kind of maturity that makes climbing Mount Everest during a landslide look like a piece of cake. Forgiveness, Monbourquette insists, is the stuff of evolution. Truly, it is.